


All I Ever Wanted

by bizzybee



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: M/M, Post-Crimson Flower Route, all beagles are in the background for a moment but not enough to tag, awake gay also depressed caspar, mentions of depression, sleepy gay depressed linhardt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22194616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bizzybee/pseuds/bizzybee
Summary: The war has ended, and everyone is happy. Everyone, that is, except Caspar and Linhardt. Unsure of how to go about life without the threat of battle on the horizon, they come to realize that there is only one thing they need to hold on to - each other.
Relationships: Caspar von Bergliez/Linhardt von Hevring
Comments: 11
Kudos: 97





	All I Ever Wanted

**Author's Note:**

> Decided to take a break from preparing for femslash February to hash this out - if you enjoyed this, feel free to talk to me on Tumblr [@officialferdinand](https://officialferdinand.tumblr.com). Thanks for reading!

On the day the news came of the Church of Serios's surrender, merely a week after the Immaculate One's death, the spirits at Garreg Mach were higher than they'd ever been. An impromptu festival had broken out in the marketplace at the front of the grounds, with merchants, villagers, and former soldiers alike joined arm in arm to celebrate that Edelgard's cause, no,  _ their _ cause, had finally been achieved. Through much hardship, sacrifice, and blood, peace had finally come. The party was rowdy, with a buzz in the air that could only be credited to the collective happiness that comes after almost six years of darkness where even glimpses of future joy were few and far between.

Linhardt wasn't much for parties, but he supposed that he should at least make an appearance for one so important. He sat on the cracked and broken steps leading up to the Monastery, wine glass in hand. He watched as merchants gave gifts to small children, villagers sang jaunty carols around impromptu fire pits, and his friends celebrated in their own small ways. Dorothea and Petra, hand in hand and dancing in a circle with laughter in their eyes; Hubert and Ferdinand, nestled into a corner near the gate and speaking softly to one another, only a breath apart; Bernadetta and Lysithea, sipping pints of cider by one of the fire pits with Bernadetta's head resting on the other girls shoulder, and even Edelgard had pulled herself away from the crowds wanting to congratulate her, as she and Professor Byleth stood wrapped in each others arms near one of the merchant booths. Edelgard's head was on Byleth's chest as they pressed their lips on top of her head and whispered soft, sweet words into Edelgard's ear. 

Everyone was there, it seemed - except Caspar. This was peculiar, Linhardt noted with a sip of his wine. Back in their academy days, and during the few parties they had seen during war times, Caspar could never seem to resist the opportunity to attend. He was made for them in all the ways Linhardt wasn't, with his energy, good-natured heart, and strange ability to make every person he met like him.

Linhardt took another sip of wine as he stretched his neck, wondering if he perhaps just missed Caspar in the crowd, as short as he was. He let out a hum as he prepared himself to get up and go find his friend himself, when he heard a familiar voice behind him.

"Aw, Linhardt, you're not even going to join the celebration?"

He turned to see Caspar in the doorway that provided access to the Entrance Hall, hair shining in the moonlight, a familiar mischievous grin on his face.

"Oh, Caspar," Linhardt said, cheeks flushed (from the wine, he told himself), an involuntary smile coming over his face. "I am taking part of the celebrations, see?" He raised his glass.

"Eh, can't argue with that."

Linhardt pat the ground next to him, and Caspar came to join him, taking Linhardt's wine glass and downing the rest in a flourish before setting it on the step in front of them.

"I was going to finish that, you know." Linhardt tried to sound annoyed, but that damn smile still hadn't left his face. 

"I'll get you a new one later," Caspar said, waving his hand in an offhand gesture before folding his legs to the side, nestling his face into Linhardt's shoulder and tucking his right arm under Linhardt's left. 

"Feeling affectionate tonight, are we?," Linhardt teased, though he can feel the heat on his face crawling down his neck. It wasn't that the two were never physically affectionate, in fact, they had discovered a casual intimacy in the past few years that only lifelong friends could achieve. However, something about this felt different. Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the excitement in the air, maybe it was the fact that they were seated so far apart from the rest of the crowd, but Linhardt suddenly felt a tinge of embarrassment.

Caspar didn't reply, just let out a soft "humph" as he rested his forehead inches away in the place where Linhardt's shoulder met his neck. Linhardt held still, barely able to breathe as he felt warm breath tickling the bare skin of his collarbone, short hair brushing against his jaw, fingertips gently pressing into his forearm.

"Caspar, are you all right?"

He looked down to see Caspar shift, turning his head so he could watch the crowds in the square. "Not really," his friend confessed. 

Linhardt waited for him to go on. 

"It's just - now that the war is over, I'm not really sure how to continue my life."

"Hmm."

"I've always prided myself on my fighting skills, and now that there's peace - and don't get me wrong I couldn't be happier no more of our friends have to die -but there's not really anything in the Empire for me to do anymore."

"I thought Edelgard offered you a job? A pretty high ranking one if I do remember."

"Yeah, but, I don't want it. I really don't want to be trapped in Enbarr all my life. I want to-," his voice cracked. "I want to do something new, I want to let my energy out by fighting for a cause, and if I'm trapped in an office directing soldiers and ordering more resources I'll go mad, Lin, I swear to Sothis I will." 

Linhardt looked down, genuinely surprised to see his friend's eyes wet with tears. 

"I know you will," Linhardt said with a huff. "Every time we go to the sauna together you can barely sit still for the fifteen minutes it takes to warm up." He's happy to hear Caspar let out a laugh at that, and less happy when he snorted, wiping his nose and eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Please take care to not get any of your snot on my shirt."

"Whoops."

Linhardt sighed.

The two sat in silence for a moment, Caspar watching the crowd and Linhardt watching Caspar, head on his shoulder, eyes still red-rimmed familiar freckles glowing in the firelight. He longed to brush back those blue bangs, hold Caspar's face in his, and tell him in no uncertain terms that he was going to be okay. 

Instead, he turned away, and said to the solid stone railing beside him, "You know, you could always just do exactly what you said. Travel around, just fighting when you see injustice. You don't have to be a knight. Or even a mercenary. I've heard. . . stories of people who travel alone or in pairs, and they see everything. Everything." 

Linhardt could feel Caspar swallow, felt his head lift, and so he turned back towards him. Caspar always wore his emotions so openly, and tonight was no exception. Those blue eyes were full of hope as he dissected what Linhardt had said. Linhardt, for one, felt trapped in that open gaze. He hoped that his thoughts were not so easily readable, as he was currently thinking of how every point of his body Caspar was touching had shifted into hyper-focus in merely a second. 

"And what are you going to do?," Caspar asked. 

Linhardt smiled. "I haven't the faintest idea, either. My family still wants me to run the estate, but, ah, I'm not sure if I particularly want to." He shrugged. "I'm not even the oldest, and since crests aren't supposed to be as important anymore. . . Well, you know." 

"Yeah."

"But then again, it is better than being disowned and living on the street. So who knows." 

At this, the air around them changed. Caspar pulled away and turned back to the party, shifting away from Linhardt a few inches. Linhardt felt as though he'd said something wrong, but his brain was starting to feel fuzzy from the alcohol and so he didn't much want to ask what it was. All he knew was that he felt a sudden rush of cold in the warm spring air, and a forlorn undercurrent flowing around the two of them, ending their conversation without another word. 

Soon after, they split up, Caspar joining the festivities and Linhardt, exhausted, heading off to bed. But Linhardt still felt as though their conversation had gone unfinished, and, that night, in his dreams, he saw Caspar floating further and further away until he was just a speck on the horizon, leaving Linhardt with an aching heart and the ghost of a kiss on his lips.

Over the next few weeks, Linhardt couldn't tell if Caspar was simply busy, or pointedly ignoring him. He seems to have taken Linhardt's idea to heart, as Linhardt heard from others that Caspar had begun to gather supplies, with talks of heading east, towards Almyra. 

_ Well _ , Linhardt thought belligerently one morning, using his fork to stab his pile of eggs harder than is necessary as he watched Caspar laughing with Bernadetta and Ferdinand at a different table,  _ Caspar can suit himself. I have better things to do. _

And he did. Now that the war was over, there was considerably more time to nap, and Caspar's silent treatment made Linhardt want to escape the waking world more than ever. He napped everywhere: in his room, in the ruined cathedral, in a soft bed of newly blooming flowers behind the greenhouse. In between naps, he did get a considerable amount of work done. He gathered more information on crests from the recently received piles of material; all banned from the Monastery Library by Seteth years ago. He increased his knowledge and proficiency in spells, heart breaking slightly every time he skipped past the thunder sections.

And, most importantly, he wrote to his parents, renouncing his inheritance. 

When he got the letter from his father saying that the entire damn war was a mistake and that they needed him, as a crest-bearer, to come home and carry on the family name, he didn't leave his bed for three days. 

On the fourth day, he's awoken by a sharp knocking on his door. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, letting out a surprised "guh!" which his guest seemed to take as an invitation to enter, as his door opened without a moment's hesitation.

Sunlight streamed in, and Linhardt raised his hand to shield his eyes, unable to tell who just barged into his room until she spoke.

"Wake up, you ass."

"Dorothea," Linhardt groaned, but he pushes himself up into a sitting position, anyway.

"Oh, sorry, I mean, 'Good morning, Linhardt, break any more hearts lately?'*

"G- what?"

Dorothea shut the door behind her and pulled open the curtains. 

Linhardt blinked rapidly, trying to process Dorothea's accusation. "Dorothea, if I may ask, what in Goddess' are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, dipshit." Dorothea stood there, hands on her hips

"I can assure you, I do not."

"Really? So you have absolutely no idea why Caspar's been downright silent since you've disappeared into your room?"

"I- what?" 

"Stop pretending. I don't know if you two had a lover's quarrel or something of the sort-"

"We are  _ not- _ "

"-but, quite frankly, it's strange seeing Caspar not talk and I know this is your fault. So I'll give you one more try."

Linhardt wracked his brain, thinking. 

"I honestly don't know, Dorothea," he sighed, putting as much sincerity into his words as he could muster. "In fact, I was going to try and add my belongings to his coach tonight so I could depart with him in a week's time, but-"

"Hold on, you're going with him?" Dorothea asked incredulously, moving a step closer.

"Obviously," Linhardt groaned, putting his face in hands. "It's not as though I have anything else to do in life," he added, more to himself than to Dorothea.

He's surprised when Dorothea crossed the room, only to hit his arm as hard as she could. "Did you think to tell him that?"

Linhardt thought about it for a moment. "I haven't had the opportunity to."

Dorothea just stared at him. 

"Ah," Linhardt said, "I should do that at some point." 

"You two are insufferable." 

"Yes, that's all good and well." Linhardt yawned. "However, I was in the middle of a nap and so I shall tell him later, when I wake up for supper."

"You'll tell him now."

He ignored her. "Goodnight, Dorothea. See yourself out." And he lay back down, pulling his blankets to his chin, only vaguely aware of the door slamming shut which announced Dorothea's departure.

He dreamt of Caspar. They're in a carriage together, Caspar in full armor and Linhardt in only his nightclothes. Caspar was crying, and no matter how many times Linhardt begged to know why, Caspar just shook his head. Then, in the space of a blink, they're transported to an inn. They're in their room together, and Caspar was washing up, but when Linhardt asked if he's okay, Caspar turned from the basin, and Linhardt saw that his head wasn't his own, but rather, The Immaculate One's, which roared its deep, piercing cry straight into Linhardt's face. 

He woke up in a cold sweat to see Caspar standing above him. Linhardt startled, instinctively holding up his hands in defense.

"Woah, buddy," Caspar said, taking a step back and almost dropping the tray of food he had in his arms. "It's just me."

Linhardt thought they might be back to normal until he looks up at Caspar, who pointedly refuses to meet his eye.

"Sorry," Linhardt mumbled. He doesn't bother sitting up, just looked at Caspar from his current position flat on his back

"I brought you food," Caspar said. "Sit up and you can eat." 

And so Linhardt pulled himself up for the second time that day, swiping a hand over his face and brushing strands of hair, sticky with sweat, back behind his ears. "Thanks, Caspar."

Caspar silently shrugged, which was just so utterly unlike him that Linhardt almost laughed. The other boy practically shoves the tray in his lap, and Linhardt studied the plates of meat and vegetables in front of him. 

"Why, thank you, Caspar." 

A beat. 

"Would you like to join me? I simply cannot eat all of this by myself." This was, in fact, a lie; Linhardt was positively famished from his days of isolation, but he couldn't yet bring himself to tell Caspar that he wanted him to stay, not when the other boy seemed so angry.

Caspar didn't answer, but he sat on the edge of the bed, careful to avoid sitting on Linhardt's legs, and grabbed an ear of corn, taking a bite without even looking at Linhardt. 

"I'm not used to you being so quiet," Linhardt mused, picking food off the tray with one hand and attempting to comb through his matted hair with the other. "It is a refreshing change of pace, I must say."

"I'm ignoring you, asshole."

Linhardt smiled. "Oh, really Caspar? I couldn't tell in the slightest."

Caspar turned to look at him for the first time with a glare, but his expression softened slightly when he saw Linhardt trying to tame his hair. 

"Shit, Linhardt, that's gotta be one of the worst I've ever seen it."

Linhardt shrugged. In truth, Caspar  _ had _ been present for most of Linhardt's bad hair days. When Linhardt was hit with a particularly rough bout of exhaustion and would confine himself to his room for days on end, Caspar would always be the one to coax him out again with promises of good food and new books in the library. 

"Yes, well, I'll be sure to put a brush through it after I eat. Thank you, by the way, for supper."

Caspar looked down, placing the half-finished corn ear back on the tray. "Oh, it's no problem. Dorothea said you wanted to talk to me, so I figured I may as well bring you food since I know you probably haven't eaten." 

Goddess, of course Dorothea had. She always did love to meddle.

They sat in silence for a moment, Linhardt eating as Caspar studied his face. 

"I could- I could help you with your hair if you want," Caspar offered, looking suddenly shy. 

"See, Caspar, but that would require me getting out of bed and walking to my vanity, which I shall simply not have the energy to do until I've finished eating." 

This finally prompted a smile out of Caspar. "Stop teasing me, you ass," Caspar said. "I'll go get the brush. You just scoot forward enough that I can sit behind you."

Linhardt complied, moving forward as Caspar retrieved the brush from the top of his dresser. The shorter boy climbed onto the bed behind him, having to sit up on his knees in order to reach the top of Linhardt's head. 

"Tall enough, back there?" Linhardt asked innocently. 

He could hear Caspar open his mouth to shoot something back, then shut it again. "I'm still mad at you," he mumbled instead, half to Linhardt and half, it seemed, as a reminder to himself. 

Linhardt chuckled, then winced as Caspar raised the brush and yanked it down Linhardt's scalp. 

"Sweet Seiros!," Linhardt cried, reaching his hand up to press on top of Caspar's. "Not that hard for heaven's sake, you're going to rip out all my hair."

"Oops," Caspar apologized. He tried again, softer this time, one hand on the other boy's shoulder. After the threat of going bald by Caspar's hand had passed, Linhardt relaxed, turning back to his food. He only had to wince every so often, when Caspar came across a knot too big to brush through, but tried anyway. 

Ah, well, Linhardt supposed. Caspar was doing the best he could, and he had suffered worse pain, after all. He hoped this meant they were friends again. 

"So," Linhardt said, trying to keep his voice casual. "Where are you off to first after departing?"

Caspar paused. Linhardt could feel the hand on his shoulder tense. 

"Almyra," Caspar finally answered, resuming his brushing. "But before that, I'm hoping to stop in at House Reigan and travel along the coast a bit."

"Mm, sounds nice. I always did enjoy an ocean breeze."

"I know you did." Caspar's voice is soft, and his fingers brushed against the back of Linhardt's head for a moment.

Linhardt took a final bite and pushed the tray of food to the foot of the bed before sitting back up so Caspar could continue brushing. "Dorothea told me you were angry at me."

Caspar sighed. "I'm not  _ angry _ ." The hand on Linhardt's shoulder shifted closer to his neck, and Linhardt looked down at his lap. "I know you have to sleep a lot and everything, and you have your family's estate to run-"

"Actually," Linhardt interrupted. "I gave up the estate."

The brushing stopped.

"You see, I realized that I don't much want or need an entire estate to run. I don't need a life surrounded by the bores in my family, or a nice bed to sleep in. I can sleep almost everywhere, including a moving carriage."

They sat in silence for a moment. 

"You're leaving?" Caspar finally asked. "You're leaving too? Where the hells are you going? Linhardt, buddy, going off on your own doesn't seem like the best idea for you, if you fell asleep riding a horse- don't give me that look you did it when we were twelve-"

"Caspar, you are the most insufferable idiot I've ever met."

" _ Hey _ , I'm just looking out for you, man-"

"I'm going with you, you utter imbecile."

That shut him up. Linhardt always felt a silent rush of pride in the rare moments when he said something so shocking that it stopped Caspar from speaking.

"You see," Linhardt continued, twisting around to look up at Caspar behind him. Caspar's hand was still on his shoulder and the forgotten brush was in the other. "I realized that I quite dislike almost everyone else in the world. Everyone, that is, except you. I don't need anything else. That is, if you'll have me. I am quite a difficult traveling companion," he smiled.

Caspar sat there, frozen, staring at Linhardt. "Have you?," he finally squeaked out. "Shit, Lin, there's no one I'd rather travel with."

"Yes, well, I reckon if I don't come along you'll be dead in a month."

Caspar practically slammed into him, wrapping his arms around his neck so fast Linhardt's breath left him for a moment. The hug was over as quickly as it had come, when Caspar pulled back, now at Linhardt's side, one hand gripping each shoulder. 

"Please come with me," Caspar said. "I'll- I'll do all I can to help out, I'll set up a bed or something in the back of the carriage, we can stop at lodging whenever and you can nap any time you want, I can pack, um, books? Yes, books, and research, and anything else you want so you can bear it-"

Linhardt raised his hands to place them on top of Caspar's. "My friend, that all sounds wonderful, but please know," he raised one of Caspar's hands to his mouth, placing a gentle kiss on the knuckles. Caspar's face turned bright red. "All I need to bear it is you."

Caspar sputtered for a few moments, face growing redder and redder. "You- you don't mean- I mean, Linhardt." And then, he reached forward, cradling Linhardt's face with both hands and tackling the other boy again, peppering his face with kisses, laughing, and Linhardt was laughing, too, and he knew, he knew that he had made not only the right decision, but the only decision he could have ever made. 

Caspar pulled back after a kiss to Linhardt's forehead, breathless and laughing, and Linhardt pushed himself back up. 

"Right, well." Linhardt reached out to take Caspar's hand in his own. "Help me out of bed, will you? I must make my own preparations, and I suppose I must see the others before they question if I've truly died alone in my room this time."

Caspar jumped up off the bed and all but pulled Linhardt up, his grin never leaving his face. Linhardt stood, laughing. 

For the first time in days, he wasn't exhausted. For the first time in days, he felt more than just the endless lethargy that had blocked out all else. As he looked down at his friend, ruffled that blue hair into a mess in a way he knew Caspar hated, and began tallying all he still had to do before they left, he felt happy. 

It was the happiest he'd ever been.


End file.
